World of Wood

The Wonderful World of Wood:

Next Change: Saturday 31st July 2010

Joke Page 2:

Subject: Inappropriate Questions

Q: What did the Elephant say when he visited the Nudist Colony?

A: "You guys breathe through those things?!?"

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," said the camel, "I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face!"

Subject: Why California is broke vs Arizona

Why California is broke vs Arizona

California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog:

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.

Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog:

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that's why California is broke.

A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said, "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell. So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.

One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it unless I mend my ways, I better start soon."

At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single women in the group, and a blonde, mind you) wasn't saying anything. They turned to her and said, "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll be going to Heaven?"

She says, "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going to shoot every preacher I can find, to make sure I'll go straight to Hell!" They were shocked and asked, "Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you?"

Subject: Never Mind...

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself,"... lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her ... gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad says ... "What are you mad about, NOW!?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says ... "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

Subject: The economy is so bad...

The economy is so bad..

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Subject: Shoehorn

A young boy was watching his grandfather put on shoes. Grandpa was using a device the boy had never seen before. "What's that?" he asked.

"It's a shoehorn," his grandpa said, handing it to him.

The boy was intrigued. He looked it up and down, turning it over and over in his hands before saying, "Cool, but how do you play it?"