World of Wood

The Wonderful World of Wood:

Next Change: Saturday 31st July 2010

Joke Page 1:

Subject: Marriage

"Your Honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 16, sir."

"Sixteen??? That's too young! Marrying you would be against the law!"

"I see... Could you try explaining that to the fellow behind me, the one with the shotgun?"

Subject: Your Driver Today Is...

Bud Lind was retired but active in his community, and one of his volunteer jobs was to occasionally drive the high school band bus to outings.

Because drivers tended to be different every time, there was a sign posted at the front of the bus that read, "Your driver today is: ______".

Bud always the practical joker, got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band members when they read the sign when he was driving, as he always put his name in using only his first initial causing it to read" "Your driver is: B LIND."

Subject: New Doctor

I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"

Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hot-dog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner near a large bank.

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money.

Don refuses.

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and I'm not asking for much."

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't sell hot dogs, and I don't lend money."

Subject: Reunion Dinner

It was the turn of Little Pauly's mother to host the family's annual reunion dinner for all the aunts and uncles, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews and so forth. Just before supper time, Mom took Little Pauly aside and told him to say the blessing.

"But what'll I say, Mom?" asked Little Pauly.

"Before we eat, you say what you've heard me say many times."

Little Pauly stood with the other folks around the table and when his mother nodded to him, he said, "Good Lord... Oh Good Lord... How did I get stuck cooking for all these idiots this year?

Subject: Keep Out of the Magic Forest

His father agreed that he could go to the fair, but as the young man was leaving on his donkey his father called after him, "Just remember, you must take the long way home if it is after midnight! Whatever you do, do not try to take the shortcut through the Magic Forest!"

The son had a wonderful time at the fair. Unfortunately, it was very late when the dancing and singing ended and, despite his father's warning, he started back through the Magic Forest.

Midway along the path, a gnome suddenly appeared and shook his fist at the young man. "How dare you trespass on our property after midnight!" the gnome cried. "Just for that, I am going to change your donkey into a dragon!"

And with a snap of his little fingers, he did.

The boy was startled to find himself riding a dragon. However, the beast behaved surprisingly well, and they made it home without incident. When he arrived hoe, the young man's father was waiting up for him.

"Are you all right?" the old man asked anxiously.

"Oh yes, Father! I had a wonderful time!" replied the boy.

"Everything is fine, then, is it?" asked his father.

"Well, I must confess one thing," said the exhausted boy, "my ass is a draggin'!"